MOMMY TALKS PODCAST Episode 26
- MOMMY TALKS PODCAST
What most of us don't realize before becoming a parent is that having children actually has this huge effect on our lives. Especially if you end up in a situation where you find yourself having to date again.
My name's Sierra. I am a mompreneur, author, host of Sierra Unraveled Podcast, Luxury bus service driver. I also sell shampoo, skincare, and wellness products for a really awesome vegan company, Modern Nature, who goes by Monat for short.
And top of all that you can add landlord to that list, I currently rent out part of my house as another source of income.
I grew up in a really small town outside of Chicago, about 30 minutes from the city, so I like to represent the city but I'm not actually from there. I grew up in the suburbs. After high school, I decided to go to college in Michigan.
And after graduating college I ended up getting pregnant, bought a house and have been here ever since. This is my new home.
OMG, How Do You Manage It All?
Honestly, I just take it day by day. I always feel like I'm juggling a million things at once and if I focused on everything I need to be doing or want to be doing I probably would just shut down.
But what I do at the beginning of the month is, I just sit back and be like, okay what is most important for me to get done.
How Did You Start Going After All Your Interest/Passion(s)?
I started using the Monat products only about three or four months ago now because I've always had unmanageable crazy curly hair.
I can't tell you how many products I've used over the course of my lifetime that haven't worked.
I literally grew up with people referring to me as a poodle simply because of how big my hair has always been. (OUCH, I know right) So not only do I love what the company stands for, but I have been having awesome results from using the products.
Also, by using these products, I've discovered just how to love myself again because after all that I've experienced, speaking honestly, I had forgotten I was supposed to do that first.
My podcast is something that I started in the middle of COVID last year, 2020, because I was stuck in the house, and I was trying to avoid dating.
I was committed to being on what I considered my best behavior, which included saving money and refocusing my life. And since it was winter on top of lockdown, I had to figure out something to do.
While having a conversation with one of my good friends, they suggested that I start a podcast.
They were like after all, you love talking to people and you have a great personality.
And I was like, "Are you serious right now?"
And they're like, "Yeah!" And the next week I ordered my mic and I thought we're gonna figure this out as we go.
So podcasting started out as this thing that I did just for fun, but it has turned into another passion of mine.
I love the people and the connections that I've made doing it so far. It's really helped my self-healing process and my journey.
What’s Your Current Status? Single? Married?
a. Any children? If so, how many?
b. Has your life turned out the way you had imagined it would, when you decided to have children? If so, how? If not, explain.
c. If you and the other parent aren’t raising the child together, are they present in the child’s life? Why do you feel that is?
Single
Yes, I have one daughter.
No, I hadn't really thought about having children although I was always considered “the mothering friend" out of the group.
It wasn't like a selfish thing for me. It was simply because I had gone to school for Environmental Science, so I'm like I don't know how the world's going to be. I also didn't want to end up as a single mom since I was raised by a single mom.
I honestly think that no single mom desires to be a single mom and my story is no different.
Although things were never really great with my daughter's father and I initially, I really wanted things to work out. But in the end I felt that it was more important that my daughter see us both individually happy rather than see us together constantly fighting and miserable in life.
But no matter how hard I fought for my family, it just wasn't working so I decided to leave that situation for good when she was about six months old.
Her dad is presently in her life physically, but provides little to no financial support.
Initially after the split, I believed that we would be able to co-parent, but he decided to take me to court and was granted joint custody. He was also ordered by the courts to pay child support, which he hasn't consistently paid since ordered.
And honestly for me it isn't all about the money, I prefer that he is at least present in her life.
What Are Your Thoughts On Dating As A Single Mother?
a. Are you currently dating someone?
b. Now, while dating as a single mother, do you feel like the child is old any type of like respect?
Yes, he has been truly amazing so far, but girl let me tell you dating as a single mom is difficult and I'm gonna talk about myself because that's the only person I should be speaking on.
You are either dating and not ready to date or simply dating to figure it out, as funky as it can be.
I feel like single moms get a really bad rep and people initially think that because they're a single mom that they did something to mess up in their relationship, which made the father leave.
No one ever thinks that the mom was the one that decided to leave because she was sick of the father's inability to grow up after becoming parents.
In addition to that, my girlfriend and I were having a conversation on this a little while ago and she said that because we're single moms, men might think that it's easier to get some from us because we already had a child, which is so far from the truth, let me tell you.
While it's possible that men think like that, I don't know, I'm not a man, but it's really messed up to think like that if they do.
But honestly, the fact that she's already a mom, is exactly why she would be more hesitant to give it up because she doesn't want what happened with her ex to happen to her again.
I personally feel that my daughter deserves the utmost respect from me at all times so while dating it would be no different.
I've seen a few different situations where the parent, whether that be the mom or the dad, prioritizes a relationship over their child(ren) using the following reasoning: "My child deserves to see me happy" or "I pay the bills, so I don't have to respect a child."
I feel like when they prioritize a relationship over the child(ren) that's when the child(ren) may start to act out because they feel as if they're not getting enough attention at home, neglect might occur, abuse usually happens, all because the parents are preoccupied with pursuing a relationship.
Because I value my relationship with my daughter above any relationship, I make it very clear to men that have shown interest in dating me more seriously, that no matter what, my daughter comes first and that's never gonna change. And you have to be okay with that and if you're not, then you're not the one for us.
PERIOD.
What Are Some Of The Biggest Challenges You Feel A Mother Faces While Attempting To Date?
I feel like one of the biggest challenges that then arises is time constraints when attempting to date as a single mother because nine times out of ten, you have to work maybe even more now that you have become a single mom.
I'd say I work 80% of the time that I don't have my daughter. Meaning it's very rare that I have any free time, so that extra time that I have for myself, do I really want to give my time to someone who might potentially not be worth it because I don't know if they are serious about pursuing me?
Another challenge that single moms may face when attempting to date are abandonment issues. My dad wasn't around at all, so it's really important to me since my daughter's father isn't around full-time that if someone is going to be around her, that they plan to be around long-term. And that they are serious about it and that might mean that there has to be a lot of time put in before we get really serious. But like I said before, if they can't get with that and they can't understand that then they're not the one.
Healthy relationship 101: you and your partner have to be onboard of supporting one another's dreams and my goals. So you have to make sure that while you are attempting to date, that in doing so, it doesn't get in the way of you continuing to pursue your dreams and goals.
I always considered myself a spiritual person, but I never would cling to an actual religion, because growing up I didn't have a clear direction. I grew up in a household where my mom was Catholic and my dad was Jehovah's Witness, so I went back and forth between the church and the kingdom hall.
But after splitting with my ex, I realized that it was nobody but God that got me out of that situation and I have been committed to building my relationship with God ever since.
Which brings about another challenge a single mother could face while dating. Because I am fairly new with religion, I needed someone that could not only encourage me to be the best person that I want to become, but also be spiritual with me and possibly be someone that I could learn from when it comes to religion.
a. Do you feel like the lack of financial literacy plays a part in the type of man that a single mother would settle for?
Definitely, so I feel like a lot of single moms, (I don't know the statistics) experience financial hardship. Especially if the other parent has left and wants no parts of the child or in my situation is around physically but doesn't want to provide any type of financial support.
I think that most single moms, because of their situation, want a man to come in and take care of them, but for me I feel like money causes more problems.
Because money makes people greedy and it distracts them from the realities that could be occurring. So when you’re looking for someone to provide for you and your child(ren) because you may feel that you can't provide for you guys yourself, you're never going to be treated as an equal partner because the foundation is built wrong, number one.
Number two, you are more likely to fall into a situation where the money is the only thing keeping you around. And if they realize that, they're going to use that to control you and chances are, it will work to keep you stuck needing to rely on them, which to me is dangerous.
So, even if you're not financially stable as a single mom, you should at least be financially literate and open to learning about how to properly manage your finances, so that you can attract a partner that may be a little more genuine in their pursuits and not trying to get in your pants, control you, or use you.
What Would You Say To Any Other Mother Who Is On The Fence About Dating From The Fear Of The Unknowns?
a. Can you share some tips for anyone interested in considering dating nowadays?
First, let me just say I need these tips as bad as anybody else, seriously, because I have to check myself sometimes because I am still figuring things out as I go.
Speaking to my younger self, I would just say, you're not alone in wanting to date and being scared to date because there's plenty of us out here who are super hesitant. Especially if you come from an abusive relationship or a toxic relationship where it made you really lose yourself. And then just trying to understand motherhood as it is is really difficult, but just be careful about who you date because people are crazy, so you need to take it slow.
Don't give it up girl, don't give up the goods because that will literally make things so much messier and honestly it's just a short fix it's not a long-term solution.
A wise man once told me when you become sexually involved before finding out who a person is, feelings get involved too early and cloud your judgement.
It's like you just automatically go on autopilot making it impossible for you to really decipher the relationship for what it has the potential of truly being.
Because as my girlfriend says, " you've already bumped uglies," and your vision has become distorted.
So, before you do that, take the time to get to know yourself because you will need to be comfortable with being alone first before you can be comfortable with being with someone else. And that's something that I had to learn over the past couple of years.
Something that has helped me in doing so has been reading self-help books.
Some of those books 📚 that I recommend are:
Before you decide to start dating, here are a few questions to ask yourself to attempt to figure out the true reason you feel that you want to date.
Why would you be getting into a relationship?
Are you just trying to find a placeholder, fill a void or just have a companionship, so you're not by yourself?
Now once you've learned how to truly be alone and love yourself but decide that it's time for you to get back out there and date, be brave enough to ask the questions that you would typically wait until you're more comfortable to ask upfront.
And last but definitely not least, don't be afraid to tell the other person what you're looking for and what you expect out of a potential relationship so that nobody is wasting their time pursuing the relationship.
What’s Next On Your Journey?
I am currently working on publishing my third book. I’m hoping to go on a book tour sometime after it's been published.
Are You Open To Collaborations?
If so, in what ways?
Yes, I am open to the following:
- Podcast Interview
- Content creation
- Event attendance
- Sponsored Posts
- Sponsored Insta Stories
- Photoshoots
- Product Reviews
- IGTV
- Social Media Takeover
- Giveaways
